Hers: Rodan

Going in, I was excited for Rodan.  I’ve noticed that one-word  movies always seem to hold a little more weight.  “Jaws”. “Carrie”. “Psycho”. “Up”. “Inception”.

Rodan?

Maybe not so much.

The problem with Rodan is that it can’t decide what it wants to be. Does it want to be a subplot-heavy masterpiece of interwoven stories? Does it want to be an exciting adventure tale? Does it want to be a heavy-handed allegory for the decisions of the nuclear age? The problem is that you can’t have “Cloverfield” and “Crash” at the same time. Well, you CAN, as Rodan proves, but the indecision of the film makers to choose what they wanted their film to be leaves a lot of fuzzy edges and strange contradictions.

Rodan opens with a weird montage that feels like an old war-time movie theatre newsreel film describing the secret “Operation Gigantic”, which doesn’t seem too top secret to me, explaining the basic premise of the film — “what have these tests done to mother earth?”

I don’t know, but I bet we’re about to find out.

We’re then transported to a small island off the coast of Japan where Shigeru, a local mine worker, explains that there is a “strange tension” in the air and that everyone knew that something bad was going to happen that day. So then WHY THE HELL DID YOU ALL GO DOWN INTO THE MINE? If litereally every single person at work that day had a bad feeling about going down into the mine, what the fuck sort of morale does this place have?  “Hey boss? All of the canaries just exploded into flames and there’s a dude with a scythe and a black cloak beckoning us into the dark and creepy part of the mine shaft. Some of the guys have been hearing the tortured souls of their long-dead relatives whispering in the dark, as well. Just wanted to let you know. ” “GET OF OF MY OFFICE, JOHNSON! I’M PLAYING ON SURVIVAL MODE AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”

This is the only type of Mining I understand.

There is also a very odd choice to have the American voice over talents use what I can only describe as “non-specifically exotic” accent. It’s not Engrish, it’s not necessarily Asian even, it’s just weird.

So Shigeru tells us that Shaft 8 (heh heh…shaft) floods due to a “creeping floor”, which sounds less like a dangerous mining condition and more of the worst place to be in a dance club.

Or, you know…full of Creepers.

A couple of red shirts mysteriously disappear in the flood only to be discovered later on “torn to pieces”. (Ish).

Very large pieces. Like…one.

We’re also introduced to the seemingly mandatory love plot when Shigeru has to go tell Kiyo, the girl he’s in love with, that her brother, Goro, is one of the miners missing in the mine. Which also doesn’t make any sense to me.

Because this guy is obviously a shit swimmer.

It’s just an awkward introduction. It’s not a meet-cute or anything, it’s just “hey, sorry, your brother is….probably dead”.

So a group of even dumber red shirts form a search party to try and find Goro, during which they decide to tie themselves together for safety, because nothing bad will happen if you’re all connected.

They discover a layer of slime running under the city, wait, no, they just all get eaten. Didn’t see that coming, did you?

YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT CANDIRU FISH!!

So the mine people call a meeting to figure out what can possibly be doing this, and they’re stumped. Which brings me to my question of WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DINOSAUR GUY? This is why you keep him around! The ONE TIME you need him, you don’t have him at the meeting? C’mon, Toho, keep it consistent.

So Shigeru goes to rescue Kiyo from a roving band of violent mine widows (I’m not making this up) and a terrifying worm…thingy…attacks the house!

The mine company calls the army for help–listen carefully, because you may miss the 2nd best line of the movie: “We need machine guns…and other pieces”. Yes. Yes you do.

The military rolls in to save the day and we’re forced to sit through the already-tired-after-only-three-movies  “oh shit, our machine guns/regular guns/conventional weapons are powerless against this creature!” Thankfully, one of the soldiers remembers the age-old truth of “if it bleeds you can kill it”, and he does, by Indiana Jonesing a mine cart on top of it.

We’re a rescue team! Not assassins!

BUT OH FUCK, THERE’S MORE!!

Then there’s an earthquake. I don’t know, there just is.

This conversation follows:

Earthquake Scientist: Hello, Earthquake Scientist.
Mine Guy: Hello, was there an earthquake literally 5 feet from where we’re sitting?
Earthquake Scientist: Yes.
Mine Guy: Thanks
Earthquake Scientist: I’ll be right over.

…

Anyway.

So the earthquake somehow unearths Shigeru who I forgot to tell you was trapped in the mine, but it doesn’t matter because he’s already out, and it’s discovered that he’s lost his memory, which the actor really unfortunately misunderstands to mean “turns retarded”.

The mine people and the science people Confer, and discover that the monsters living in the cave are prehistoric insects. Ah.

Then we’re taken to the air force base, where another red shirt reports something flying around at Super Sonic Speed.

Surrender Dorothy? No one’s ever made this joke before.

He chases after the Mysterious Thing and his face melts or something from the Sonicness of it all and then reports start coming in from all over the world about seeing the same Mysterious Thing.

Facesplosion!

I sure hope it’s not a monster or something…

Okay. So the biggest problem I have with this movie, across the board, is the ridiculous need to shoe-horn in more subplots than the main quest in Skyrim. There’s no goddamn need to have 47 minor characters when someone could just say “hey, the airforce says there’s a monster”. Or something. I appreciate the desire to “show, not tell”, but sometimes, its a little annoying to be ripped out of one storyline to be planted in the middle of a second one for three minutes and get sent back over to where you came from. It’s the Toho movie equivalent of “I’ll give you this scroll if you find this jewel, but to find the jewel you’ve got to go track down the hunter, and to find the hunter, you’ll need this scroll”.

So, airforce reports are happening,and Random Sublot # 4 opens with a honeymooning couple going to a volcano for vacation because they obviously hate vacations, and…you know what? I’m just going to bullet point this because it will be faster.

–Go to volcano
–Take pictures
–Mysterious Shadow Appears
–Guy chucks camera
— Couple disappears
— Police find camera
— Develop pictures
— Find a picture of a giant wing
— a clue!

Seriously. Ten minutes of the movie. They could have solved it with “hey look, someone got a picture of the Mysterious Thing. Moving on”. Instead, they had to waste ten minutes to develop two characters I could give two shits about so they can die 40 seconds later.

Anyway, so while the police are doing Science on the picture, Shigeru’s girlfriend is playing with the birds she’s inexplicably keeping in his hospital room because bird flu isn’t a thing in the 50’s, and she hands Shigeru the nest in time for him to witness the eggs hatching, which sends him spiraling back into a flashback in which we find out he witnessed the birth of the most adorable dinosaur puppet EVAR.

I CAN HAZ CUTENESS?

Thanks to his girlfriend’s complete lack of giving a shit about hygiene and/or hospital rules, his memory returns! He tells the military what he saw and leads them back into the World’s Best-Lit Cave.

We’re treated to a REALLY DRAMATIC voice over straight out of a Jules Verne novel while they discover a giant egg shell, which they take back to the lap to Do Science On.

According to the tests run by their new  “electronic computer” (oh 195o’s, you’re ADORABLE), the dinosaur guy (who finally bothered to show up) is able to exposition with science and tells them that due to the monster’s size , his wings…wait for it…

Sorry, I was picking up my glasses from the Hipster Emporium.

flap with all the force of a great typhoon.

Let’s just take a moment.

God, that’s good.

Anyway, I’m not even going to bother explaining the Science because it’s the same thing as always– we done fucked up by using the atom bomb and now we’re screwed because Monsters.

The army forms a search party and go to look for the monster and start bombing the fuck out of where they find him and SHYMALANED– there are TWO MONSTERS!!!

What if there were TWO monsters instead of one, and they were both dead the whole time?

We are truly now fucked.

Here’s the thing though. Look at him.

Just look.

He’s ADORABLE. And when he’s not being adorable…HE LOOKS LIKE THE GODDAMN BATMAN!

I don’t want the army to destroy him, I want them to build him a home on Isla Nublar where a fiesty young boy and his whimsical babysitter go on crazy adventures to discover the true meaning of friendship and time travel to important historical events.

 

What I don’t want is the army to blow him up.

As the two adorable and perfectly innocent monsters escape, the army once again employs the “near and around” tactic of fighting while Rodan messes stuff up.

But seriously. He looks like Batman.

Not Batman

Not Rodan

But seriously.

Really?

I would also like to ask why the hell Godzilla has never invaded Gotham City in what would clearly be the GREATEST CROSS GENRE MASTERPIECE EVER.

This is also the point where I stopped giving shits about the movie and started tweaking about the models. Not only is this the first Toho in color, but the conceit of a monster that destroys through sonic wind lends itself incredibly well to the models. There was a moment when I had to stop and remember that we weren’t watching hurricane footage– these were actual models getting blown apart by fans– and it’s amazing to watch. They’re specifically constructed to blow apart in legitimate-looking ways, and the damage the fans create is amazing.

This is a foot tall.

Meanwhile, the scientists figure out that Rodan and Rodanette have escaped back underground where they’re hibernating, and the army decides the best way to kill them is to bomb the fuck out of the cave they’re hiding in, but p.s., it might SET OF THE GODDAMN VOLCANO.

We’re really happy you remember, but literally every single one of us is on the other side of the table.

No, it’s cool, we’ll evacuate everyone.

Oh. Okay then.

I have also realized that evacuation scenes are my favorite, mostly because there is always one guy who is having the time of his life and ruins the whole shot by making it look like a party instead of a SERIOUS EVACUATION.

Wheeeeee!

During the evacuation, Shigeru and Kiyo meet up and have the most dramatic “I love you” moment since Han Solo didn’t say it, and the army starts bombing the volcano.

Take a drink every time there’s an explosion. Seriously. Do it. Are you dead? You should be.

I love explosions. Like, most of the time, they’re my favorite part of the movie. But even I was bored by the end of the explosion sequence. It just. Keeps. Happening. It seriously got to the point where I thought our DVD was stuck.

Rodan escapes from the montage and the volcano surprisingly erupts,  but then it’s…too hot or something? He’s…tired? They only had 5 minutes of film left? However that works, Rodan ends up in the lava and they commit mutual lava suicide, and the movie ends with the heart-warming

“They were consumed in the firey holocaust as their last agonized cries echoed in a mournful cry”.

But it’s okay, kids, they died together!

This is literally as pointless as the grandma in Dante’s Peak.

 

Sweet dreams.

I just couldn’t get into this one. There was too much. Too much bullshit subplots, too many stupid minor characters, too much redundancy and way too much time spent dragging things out for no other reason than having a longer movie.

Sorry, Rodan. You’re ADORABLE, but your movie blew.

His: Godzilla Raids Again

Godzilla Raids Again

For a long time, this was the one Godzilla movie I had not seen.  It hadn’t really been available in the states for several years, so when it was finally released on DVD, I was pretty pumped.  Then I finally saw it…and I was, shall we say, less than pumped.

Before I get into nit-picking, the best thing about this movie was the introduction of one of my favorite monsters, Anguirus.

 He doesn’t have any fancy fire breath, or sonic flight, or lightning that shoots out of a star-shaped thing that grows out of his head….he just has himself to rely on.  And God love him, he gets his spiny ass handed to him every single time.  Even when he later teams up with Godzilla and his team technically wins, he still gets his shit rocked pretty hard.  But he keeps on trying.  What a guy!

Alright, let’s have an overview of the plot (which is loaded with spoilers):  Two pilots working for a fishing company are flying over the sea to locate schools of fish.  One of the pilots, Kobayashi, has engine troubles and has to make an emergency landing at an island.  The other pilot, Tsukoika, goes to rescue him.  Once he arrives there, he finds Kobayashi alive and well, and instead of getting him back to work, you know because his company is losing valuable dollars on all this rescue mission and they have one perfectly functional plane to leave in, they decide to have a campfire.

You know…this is nice.

But then, HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE MONSTERS BEATING THE HELL OUT OF EACH OTHER ON THIS ISLAND!!!  They high tail it out of there and report it to the Japanese government.  The pilots have a sit down with military officials and scientists to discuss the problem.  They determine that there is a second Godzilla and a new monster, Anguirus.  We then turn our hopes and dreams to Dr. Yamane from the last movie to see how mankind can prevail over this new threat.

Jeeze, don’t have your kids ask him if there’s a Santa Claus.

Damn, dude…right out of the chute!  Well, some more science happens and they come up with a game plan.  We then go out to see Osaka, which is trying to soldier on with the knowledge that their city could get trashed at any time.  Some of the people go to a nightclub for a dance.  The song the band is doing was absolutely ripped off by the Chipmunks for Christmas time.  Seriously, watch the movie and see!

That subtitle is wrong. It actually translates “I still want a huuuulahoooop!”

But then Godzilla shows up and everybody runs.  Angurius shows up too, and the two monsters duke it out.  Godzilla wins and head back to sea.  Fast forward to winter time.  Things are getting back to normal in the fishing company.  We then see a good deal of romantic sub plot.  Kobayashi is trying to get with a girl who works at the company.  Everyone rips on him for not being married and it becomes a “thing” with everyone in the office.

Does this count as a personal day or a sick day?

Everyone in the office has a big sake fueled party where some more characters show up that aren’t really worth mentioning, and then we’re back in the office.  Kobayashi and his girl engage in some really fantastic romantic comedy dialogue and then Godzilla shows up again.  Kobayashi flies out to meet his buddy and they find Godzilla on an icy island.  Godzilla torches Kobayashi and he flies into a mountain.  The ensuing avalanche gives everyone the idea to bury Godzilla.  More planes come out to bomb the mountains, it doesn’t work, they regroup, try it again, and it works.  Hoorah for temporary solutions!  End of movie.

If there’s one overall gripe of mine that defines this movie, its pacing.  The pacing of this movie is awful.  This is the one Godzilla movie directed by Japanese director Motoyoshi Oda (I don’t know why I felt it was necessary to confirm that he’s Japanese) and I know this series was still trying to find its footing, but pace is all over the place. (dammit, rhyme!)

First off, the climactic monster battle happens in the middle of the movie.  It really feels like it should end there, but you have at least another half hour in store.  Secondly, the monster battles are sped up.  The director wanted the monsters to look more ferocious and animalistic.  They really just look like sugared up children slapping each other.

Once the fight is over, we have to endure a bunch of boring crap until he shows up again.  Pacing becomes an issue on the icy island big time.  Instead of one fight where they figure out to bury him, they fly there, Kobayashi bites it, they leave, come back to bomb, leave again, talk about how to more effectively bomb the mountain, go back and finish the job.  Really, you could have done that in one trip.

So, if I had directed this movie, it would have gone like this:

1. Big battle at the end

2. The battle ends on the island

3. They bomb the mountains but don’t quite bury Godzilla

4. Kobayashi crashes in a Randy Quaid-esque moment of heroics, which causes the last avalanche that finishes Godzilla off.

The movie has a few other issues too.  The music doesn’t really fit with the fighting.  They were trying to go with slow, plodding music similar to the original, but with the speed of the monsters, the only music I can think of to put with it is Sabre Dance.  There’s also the Godzilla suit.  The first Godzilla was awakened by H-bomb tests.  This one looks like he was awakened by someone dumping all the crystal meth in Iowa into the sea.

DERP!

For all the rough edges that the Japanese version has, the American version makes things much, much worse.  First off, they changed Godzilla’s name.  It’s Gigantis now.  This was a decision made by producer Paul Schriebman.  His rationale was that he didn’t want people getting this monster confused with Godzilla.  That’s like saying “Okay, in Empire Strikes Back, we’re gonna call Darth Vader Tom, just to be clear”, which I could totally see George Lucas doing.  They replaced Godzilla’s roar with Anguirus’s roar sometimes, and added a bunch of stock footage of bombs blowing up.  My favorite scene is the military/scientist pow-wow.  The bullshit science in this scene is something to behold.  One great example comes from the dinosaur book their reading.  It talks about how Anguirus could rise again one day to destroy mankind due to radioactive fallout.  That is some forward thinking paleontology right there!

This version is also famous (famous is a relative term) for having George Takei doing some of the voices.  He goes from Godzilla voice actor, to Star Trek fame, to gay rights champion, to having his facebook photos reposted by like everyone I know.  George said on an interview that in order to make the English sync up with the mouths, they came up with the expletive “banana oil”.  You barely see the mouth move, so really they could have just said “shoot” and it probably would have been the same thing.  I can’t say I wouldn’t jack around with stuff like that if I did dubbing though…

All in all, the most important thing that Raids Again accomplishes is it starts the standard format of “monster vs. monster”.  Later films did it much better, but it started here.  This is a pretty weak entry in the series.  If you’re a die-hard fan, absolutely check this out.  If you’re just dipping your toe into the pool of geekdom that is Godzilla movies, maybe pass this one up.

Hers: Godzilla Raids Again

When I was a kid, I used to make up stories for my mom and dad and act them out with dolls and toys around the house. I could go on for hours, adding weird subplots and back stories and flashbacks, just to keep the action going. Eventually, my parents would find a nice way of telling me that they needed to get some actual work done, and I would end the action by killing all the characters.

You see where this is going.

I really enjoyed Godzilla Raids Again. Not because it was a shining example of the possibilities of cinematic excellence, but because it reminded me of telling stories as a kid. Who cares if everything fits together perfectly, it’s just fun.

The movie begins with 2 biplane pilots who work for a large fishing buisness, Tsukioka and Kobayashi, (who become important later on) scouting the ocean…for fish I guess? Kobayashi’s plane malfunctions and crashes onto Iwoto Island, and Tsukioka is sent to go rescue him.
This sequence also involves the introduction of the love interest, who works the radio. Remember her, she’s important later on.

So Tsukioka arrives on the island and Godzilla just shows right the fuck up, like 5 minutes into the movie, which is awesome because I didn’t have to sit through 20 minutes of suspense for the inevitable “HERE’S THE GIANT MONSTER” moment. I’m watching a Godzilla movie, I am aware that at some point, there will be a giant monster. Just get to the explosions.

This movie also introduces a NEW monster (WHAT? YES.) whom Godzilla is seen fighting.

Tsukioka and Kobayashi go back and report their findings and go through a dinosaur police line up, until they recognize the second dinosaur. Lucky for them, a dinosaur guy is once again conveniently at the meeting, and is able to inform everyone that they’ve seen an “Ankyosaur”, but for some reason he also knows this monster’s actual name, which is “Aguirus”. I don’t know how he knew that.  To put it in perspective, that’s like someone being able to identify a dog as a golden retriever, but then also know that his name is Mr. Skittles. Science? Science.

Dinosaur Scientist also shares that Aguirus is one of the smartest dinosaurs and also one of the most powerful and aggressive dinosaurs that ever existed…but, you know, I’m sure that won’t come up later on.

One of the other scientists there also shares that they don’ t have any way to kill Godzilla. That also probably won’t come back up later on.

Just to remind everyone how fucked they are, they shoehorn in an awkward, awkward flashback from the first movie, but instead of narrating or putting music to the footage, it’s in dead silence, which goes on so long I started wondering if the sound had gone out on my TV.

Oh, by the way, they also explain that this isn’t the SAME Godzilla, per say, that one was destroyed by Captain Eyepatch’s Oxygen Destroyer, this is a SECOND Godzilla– and while they can’t do anything to stop him, someone has apparently noticed that Godzilla is sensitive to light because…wait for it…the lights bring back memories of the H-bomb testing. This raises a number of questions about who is working as a Giant Monster Psychologist, but anyway, they develop a plan to use flares to distract Godzilla away from land. I’m sure nothing bad will happen.

After the Science Meeting, an entire lot of nothing happens for awhile, including the first musical interlude of the evening. I’ve noticed this a lot in old movies. Growing up, I watched a lot of TCM, and it seems to be kind of a 50’s/60’s theme. At some point, the main characters will go dancing, and some minor singing celebrity will show up and sing some croony love song, and this is no exception.

So Tsukioka and Radio Girl are dancing, and then OH SHIT GODZILLA, but no, it’s okay, because the flares thing totally worked!!

This is also the point in the movie where the nighttime/daytime quandry of old movies starts to get ridiculous. I get that it’s a thousand percent harder to shoot film at night, but the “night filter” technology in the 50’s was not the most amazing, so some of the dramatic tension is lessened knowing that the all-important “citywide blackout” (so Godzilla will only be attracted to the flares) is occurring during full daylight.

The flares totally work, but I was also confused about the whole “flares” (read: tiny lights THAT GO OUT EVENTUALLY) thing. Why the hell wouldn’t they get a big ass spot light a la the Bat signal and use that?

Then things take a hard right into “weird sub-plotville”. It turns out that a group of prisoners are being transported during all of this (issue one: A giant monster is on the loose, this is a great time to transport some prisoners!), and they of course stage a Con-Air-ish takeover of the truck and escape.

The cops give chase, and three of the convicts crash into the aforementioned fish buisness’ on-shore napalm and rocket fuel explosion factory,  which of course is more effective then some flares, so Godzilla starts heading back to Osaka Bay.

This also raises another question: during this, the military starts furiously shooting everything they’ve got at him to try and keep him off shore– but didn’t we already establish that conventional weapons are powerless against him? I don’t understand what good pissing him off is going to do, causing him to break more stuff.

At this point, we find out that Agurius was attracted to the flares and the fire has drawn him onto land, so it’s time for the MONSTER SHOW DOWN! Yes. While the suit looks like someone tried to turn a melted model of Charlie Sheen into a dinosaur, the actual fight is pretty awesome. It’s super scrappy and for some reason they felt the need to speed up the film so it feels like it’s in fast-forward, but my favorite part about the whole thing is that it becomes incredibly obvious that neither actor has any idea what to do, so they just are kind of making it up as they go– and I love it, because it even feels like you’re watching something new happen– they haven’t done this before, no one has filmed this before, so we’re all in this together as they figure it out.

The models, again are also kick ass.

By the way, remember the adorable 3 convicts who started this whole mess? They drown horrifically in a subway.

During the movie, I noticed they kept prominently featuring this one really cool looking model, and, much like the innocent shot of a butcher knife on the kitchen counter in a slasher film, it became apparent this model was going to be Important Later On.

You know this part in Independence Day?

Welcome to Earth.

The White House is roughly 215 years old. That model? That’s Osaka Castle. Osaka Castle is roughly around 450 years old.

Not the Model.

Think of that cultural significance. Yeah, watching the White House blow up was neat, but in 1955, just TEN YEARS before this movie was made, someone dropped an atomic bomb on Japan– and this building survived. (Yes, I know, it wasn’t really within firing distance, but that’s not the point.) This is a HUGELY cultural thing. This castle has seen a ton of shit– seriously, check out the wikipedia article on it: it reads like an episode of Game of Thrones.

I’m starting to realize that this is one of the coolest things about these movies– there is a ton of cultural significance that is getting lost between translation, Western ignorance and Raymond Burr getting shoe-horned in to appeal to “American audiences”.

I’m acting so hard my sweat is acting.

I had no idea why them breaking the shit out of a model was important until I wiki’d that shit—I want to know more about this culture.

Anyway, so the monsters break the shit out of Osaka Castle and Godzilla kills Anguirus and then sets him on fire because fuck you.

Then we’re forced to listen to awkwardly-translated banter for so long that WINTER ARRIVES and we’re introduced to yet another weird subplot about Kobayashi wanting to get married, so he has to inexplicably fly to meet the matchmaker in the woods. Seems legit.

Then they all go out to eat.

I’m not kidding, that’s what happens. One minute, Kobayashi is pointing to a map and explaining where the matchmaker’s rendezvous point is, then suddenly we’re in a restaurant that may or may not be run by a prostitute and I’m thinking about how awesome those Japanese slidey panel doors would be in the bedroom.

Anyway, so it turns out that the fishing company AND the Defense Air Force are having dinner parties, oh, AND Tsukioka is besties with a bunch of the guys on the Defense Team.

After another rousing round of awkward musical interludes and sake bombs, (really, they all get shitfaced on sake), a messenger shows up to tell them that one of their boats was sunk…by Godzilla.

ISN’T IT SO AWESOME AND LUCKY THAT THE PEOPLE THE BOAT BELONGED TO AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE FIRST RESPONSE TEAM WERE IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME?

Irregardless of Japan’s DUI laws, they start the search again while Radio Girl gives some love advice toKobayashi, telling him that what women want is “handbags, watches and stockings”. I’m not even touching that.

So Tsukioka and Kobayashi are flying around looking for Godzilla, which raises my question of WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MILLITARY?  Why are they letting two idiots in biplanes do their reconnaissance for the, especially since we’ve already established that these planes break at the drop of a plot device.

Godzilla is discovered on an island and the Defense force comes in to attempt to bury Godzilla in ice, because no one learned anything from Dante’s Inferno.

Kobayashi, who has just confessed his love for Radio Girl so you know he’s fucked, kamikazes the side of the mountain to start an avalanche so Godzilla can’t escape. Radio Girl cries.

The other thing I started wondering about at this point is why do they always start small? I know they’ve established that conventional weapons can’t destroy Godzilla, but a big deal is made about their bombs not being effective enough to bury him– why aren’t they showing up with the best they’ve got? “Maybe we should release a bunch of bunnies and kittens into the city first, just to make sure he’s not scared of kittens and bunnies! It’s not working! Bring me my Darrenger!”

Following the parade of failed ice-bombings, Japanese Admiral Acbar works out that there is one specific spot on the mountain’s exhaust port that lead to the mountain’s main reactor–and bombing that spot that will cause a big enough avalanche to destroy Godzilla, but it’s going to take a really talented pilot to pull it off. Tsukioka is all “pick me because I’m a main character”, and they decide to let him fly with the team.

Then we see a frankly ridiculous sequence of Fighter Pilots Who Are Really Bad At Their Job attempting to make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs and instead fly straight into the side of the goddamn mountain. Rest in pieces, Japanese Red Six, Two, Four and Nine.

So of course, Tsukioka pulls it off, as he apparently decided not to just drive with his eyes closed and hope for the best, and the movie ends with the poignant “At last we have defeated Godzilla”.

What I realized is that I was waiting for the kick, the part where surprise, Michael Myers isn’t on the lawn and Samuel L. Jackson comes out after the credits to invite Godzilla to be in the Avengers. I’ve become so used to teaser endings that I’m weirded out when there isn’t an obvious set up for a sequel.

I think that says a lot.

Action, a shit load of explosions, an adorable bonus monster, historical buildings being destroyed and a lack of Raymond Burr’s sweaty eyebrows  earns this….

His: Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

It’s difficult to write about a movie that’s been reviewed a hundred times and seen by me about twice as much.  Before I get going, I’m going to to warn you that this is going to be rife with spoilers, but I’m going to take a wild ass guess that you’ve probably seen this before.

This is the movie that started it all.  Sure, there have been movies that featured giant monsters attacking cities, (King Kong, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms) and sure, this movie has been accused of ripping them off, but this one essentially started the genre.  Crumbling buildings, hoards of screaming people, ineffective military, this one set everything into motion.  While the Godzilla series eventually took the fun, superhero route, this one was intended to be a serious horror film.  To someone seeing this for the first time in 2012, all the horror is probably gone, but you didn’t just have an atom bomb dropped on your country ten years ago, did you?

The plot is fairy simple.  H-bomb tests wake up a giant dinosaur, dinosaur destroys city, man destroys dinosaur.  Sorry, I kinda Ian Malcomed out there.  The way this movie is shot though, is really pretty amazing.  Since this movie was intended to be scary, much of the monster action happens under cover of darkness.  The most menacing shots in the movie are when Godzilla, as a hulking dark figure that’s not quite all in the shot stomps through the background as panicked citizens run screaming.  The suit looks better the darker the screen gets. This combined with Akira Ikfukube’s plodding foreboding score give Godzilla a sense of inevitable, unstoppable terror.

The acting is actually pretty decent in this movie as well, depending on which version you watch.  In the Japanese version, you see.  Momoko Kochi as Emiko Yamane plays the ingenue (the girl) who is caught up in a big love triangle between Ogata, the guy she actually loves (Akira Takarada), and the guys she’s been arranged to marry, Dr. Serizawa (Akihiko Hirata).  Her depiction of Emiko is one of surprising strength for the time, in spite of her tendency to cry, like all the freaking time.  Hey, it’s the 50’s, would wouldn’t dare play a woman as being as strong as a man, right?  The one who really steals the show here is legendary actor Takashe Shimura as Dr. Yamane.  Shimura is probably better known from his role of Kambe in Seven Samurai.  Throughout the movie, he struggles with the notion of the progression of science vs. the preservation of his fellow man, because in this case, they definitely conflict.  “Godzilla should not be destroyed, he should be studied”  The scientist who wants to preserve the monster is kind of a stock character, but he really seems to do it well.

Not all the acting is stellar though, which brings us to Raymond Burr.  In the Americanized version, Raymond Burr (of Perry Mason fame) is thrown into the movie to make it palatable to a U.S. audience.  Also, his character’s name is Steve Martin, which was well before the Steve Martin we all know and love began his illustrious banjo career.  It’s pretty obvious when he was shoehorned into the movie.  The film quality changes, and characters who seem to appear nowhere else in the movie show up.

For the love of God, stop smoking that pipe!

Even more hilariously, when he does have to interact with an established character, they Fake Shemp them into the shot (look it up)

Dr. Yamane could have been just as effectively played by a teddy bear in this scene

Now, I’m not saying Raymond Burr can’t act, but if this movie were your only exposure to him, you could easily get that impression.  He’s also not the first American actor to totally dog it in a Godzilla movie (Matthew Broderick, I’m coming for you later, bro).  Slight smile and stoic are really about all he does in the whole movie.  He has one scene where he’s recovering from injuries, but it’s only marginally different from his stoic face.

I assure you, my left eye is doing some real Oscar-caliber stuff right now.

Also, in the American version, whoever dubs over Dr. Yamane keeps saying “phenonemon”.

If one were to spend time picking apart science in a Godzilla movie, well, you might as well not watch one.  There were a few things that were difficult to ignore though.  They said dinosaurs roamed the earth nearly 2 million years ago.  They went extinct 65 million years ago. Early in the movie, the Japanese government is trying to figure out why ships are being destroyed, and who do they invite to a conference on this issue: Japan’s top paleontologist.  It’s like they were anticipating this being a dinosaur related problem.  What other likely irrelevant scientists do the call in?  “Oh no, a plane crashed!  Call the endocrinologist, just so we have our bases covered!” Dr. Yamane is a pretty awesome paleontologist too!

“Wow, a trilobite! These have supposedly been extinct for millions of years, and I’ve found one alive in a highly radioactive dinosaur footprint! Lemme just pick this bad boy up with my bare hands here…”

One of my favorite features of a Godzilla movie is the numerous attempts at destroying whatever monster happens to be on the attack.  Power lines don’t work, tanks don’t work, and then they send in the jets and…

This Shit Happens:

“Dear God, man! The missiles have no effect!”
“Did you try hitting him?”

Ultimately though, this movie is one of the best in the series, and while it didn’t create the genre of giant monster films, it defined it.  This film was one of the first major offerings of Japanese pop culture in the states, and continues to have influence on films today.  It’s a solid film from it’s post apocalyptic looking opening scene to the touching end of the beast and the scientist who gave his life to stop the monster and save the world.  The solemn looks of mourning and respect say it all at the end.  Let’s see your mourning face, Takashe Shimura:

I feel ya

Raymond Burr, hit me with your best shot:

Atta boy!

Hers: Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956 American Version)

And so, with a great thundering and the cry of a beast, it begins.

Godzilla, King of the Monsters, starring a sweaty block of wood– oh wait, sorry, that’s Raymond Burr.

Are my eyebrows acting hard enough?

Godzilla opens with the unfortunately named Steve Martin, played by Raymond Burr, dramatically acting his way out of a pile of rubble. I would be interested to see the results if he was forced to act his way out of a paper bag. ‘

It is revealed through Dramatic Voice Over (to give you an idea of the level of dramatic we’re looking at in the first 4 minutes, the line “The odor of scorched flesh permeated the air” is, in fact, used.)  that the good Steve Martin is a journalist visiting a friend in Tokyo and something…Has Happened.

Through a long flashback, we’re introduced to the major players, including Steve Martin’s Magic Press Badge.

It’s okay. I’m a journalist. Now give me the launch codes.

Steve Martin’s Magic Press Badge becomes important later on as it becomes a Tool Of Magical Exposition– simply show the badge and receive 3 minutes of exposition, free!

So Steve Martin arrives in Tokyo and gets stopped at the airport (where he’s smoking like a 1950’s boss) and questioned about whether or not he noticed anything strange happening during his flight. SMMPB is shown and the Exposition Messenger Boy explains that there was an “incident” on the ocean the night of his flight, in which the ocean CAUGHT ON GODDAMN FIRE and 8 boats were destroyed.

Something…fishy’s going on.

Then, just to reiterate, Steve Martin repeats the entire story for us into a phone because Journalism, I guess? He then somehow is invited into a meeting the government is holding to discuss the sinkings, along with famous palaeontologist Dr. Yamani.

This raises a number of questions. What, exactly, is the job description of a paleontologist in Japan? Are they always invited to important government meetings JUST IN CASE there’s a question about dinosaurs that comes up? Like, is this a thing that happens often enough that someone said “You know what? let’s just keep the dinosaur guy around. I like him”.

Anyway, so Dr. Yamani suggests that they go to an island nearby the disasters to question the natives. (Also…”natives”. Is that okay?) Because science!

Once on the island, one of the na— …islanders…says he saw a monster in the ocean, so the team decides to spend the night. They witness a traditional ceremony honoring the monster in the sea and the Exposition Delivery Boy says that the monster is called…..Godzilla. Right? I was totally surprised, too!

Later that night, a storm rolls in, along with GODZILLA!!! Oh no! Godzilla leaves a trail of footprints out to see, and Dr. Yamani and the team go to explore the island to…find some science?

This also begins the awkward portion of the movie where the awkward American insertion of Raymond Burr begins to grate. Since he wasn’t originally IN THE FUCKING MOVIE, they kind of stuck him in and used a lot of Dramatic Voice Over to cover things– but there are portions where the voice over doesn’t nessessarily cover enough of the original Japanese, so there are two and three minute chunks of people speaking Japanese while Raymond Burr stares at them.

I’m not even in this movie.

This is also the point where the entirely unnecessary love plot is revealed.  I imagine this was a bigger deal in the Japanese version, since, you know, goddamn Raymond Burr wasn’t sweating on everything, but in this one, it’s awkwardly shoe-horned in to justify the end. Basically, Emiko, the daughter of Dr. Yamani, is arranged-marriage to Dr. Sarizawa, who was the guy Steve Martin was in Tokyo to visit, but she secretly loves…some other guy even less interesting then her, which is an achievement.

While this is going on, Dr. Yamani reports back to the government about Godzilla using some Hardcore Science.

Science.

He explains for the benefit of the idiots in the room that Godzilla is some sort of leftover dinosaur that has been resurrected by the “Strandium-90” (let’s just say “radiation”) from the H-bomb testing. **Pointed look at America**.

Using more Journalism Exposition, Steve Martin explains that the plan is to use sonar to find Godzilla and kill him with a “death bomb”, as opposed to the less-effective “Kitten and glitter bombs” that they had been testing earlier.

And then. Like a cool refreshing breeze on the hottest summer’s day, Motherfucking Eyepatch Guy shows up.

I don’t always have two eyes, but when I do, I still wear my eye patch.

Now, we’re going to pause a moment on this. Take a careful look at Captain Eyepatch up there. Just look. This guy is Dr. Sarizawa– the guy Steve Martin is in Tokyo to visit. Earlier in the movie, Steve Martin tells us that he is known for his “unusual experiments”. OF COURSE HE IS LOOK AT HIM HE’S GOT A GODDAMN EYE PATCH AND A SCIENCE LAB! Seriously.

So Dr. Eyepatch tells his worthless wife that he has “something to show her”, then brings her down to the lab where he straight up murders some fish in front of her and then makes her promise not to tell….so…then…why show her?

She also is VERY UPSET about the dead fish. (To be fair, though, she makes two acting choices through the entire movie: VERY UPSET and soul-less zombie, or maybe she just really likes fish).

Then we find out that Dr. Yamani doesn’t want to kill Godzilla because like all good archeologists, he believes that Godzilla Belongs In A Museum.

Then…this was the part we’d all been waiting for..Godzilla shows up in Tokyo harbor! And is discovered by this guy:

This is my first beer ever!

Who, by the way, along with all of those fine, fine ladies, is at a party. ON A BOAT. Now, if I’d been hearing reports about the MOTHERFUCKING OCEAN CATCHING ON FIRE, I would maybe move my boat party to the local VFW Hall, but I guess that’s just me.

So the military is called in while Godzilla heads towards Tokyo, and the Fuckin’ Shit Up Montage begins.

Meanwhile, the Exposition Delivery Boy explains that they have one last line of defense— a 300,000 volt line of electrical wire around the city that they are going to turn on to stop Godzilla. Right.

Again, I have questions. Is this a thing that just exists all the time? Like someone just thought “Just in case, we’re going to build this giant electrical fence, because that scene from Jurassic Park is hilarious”.

So they turn on the fence, and it’s less like this:

Wheeeeee!

And more like:

Success?

So Godzilla gets through the barrier and starts breaking more stuff. It’s also revealed at this point that he has goddamn Fire Breath. This makes me wonder– is this going to be like a superman thing? Where he just has powers whenever it would be cool for him to have powers? Because if anything, I demand consistency from my giant monster films.

During the FSUM, Steve Martin is holed up in a newsroom like…writing Picasso at the Lapin Agile or something, and sweating and watching the city burn while he gives a Dramatic Narration of the action into a Journalism Tape Recorder. The award for “most ridiculous line of the movie” also is given in this scene, with the winner “I’m saying a prayer, George, a prayer…for the whole world”.

And then Elvis will be there.

I should say at this point that the models during this are incredible. The attention to detail is ridiculous, and when they break, there are actual I-beams and stuff falling out– I love crafty stuff, so thinking about the time and effort it must have took to build all of these blows my mind.

Someone built all of these so they could get set on fire.

This is also a very, very small thing, but I’ve seen a lot of movies. A lot. I love action films especially, and movies with large amounts of destruction and explosions, and this is one of the few that I’ve seen that didn’t involve a Wilhelm Scream. I appreciate that.

So Godzilla eventually destroys the building that Steve Martin is in and the flashback ends with him waking up in the hospital just in time for Emiko to deliver a convenient monologue revealing that Dr. Eyepatch has a device that can kill the shit out of some fish, so maybe that would work to kill Godzilla.

They go to Dr. Eyepatch’s place and ask him for the device, which he has named his “Oxygen Destroyer” because “death bomb” was already taken. He of course refuses, saying that it’s too dangerous, at which point Emiko’s boring boyfriend gives Dr. Eyepatch a “with great power comes great responsibility” speech.

At the same time, a sad, sad montage comes on a conveniently placed TV, showing what looks suspiciously like Hiroshima footage while a group of kids sing a sad, sad song and Dr. Eyepatch acts REALLY HARD.

It’s like the Olympics of Sadness.

Dr. Eyepatch is swayed by the montage and agrees to let them use the Oxygen destroyer, but says that it must be destroyed right after so it never falls into the wrong hands. He also burns the plans so no one can recreate it, and it turns out Emiko also is really upset by him killing paper as well as fish.

Fahrenheit 451 was my sister, you bastard!

So Emiko’s boring boyfriend and Dr. Eyepatch put the Oxygen Destroyer in Tokyo Bay in a weird underwater montage that takes way too long.

Dr. Eyepatch nobly sacrifices himself for the good of the sub-plot and Godzilla is destroyed.

And then it ends. Very, very abruptly.

Rest in peace, noble creature of the deep.

I’m curious to see how this works, since there are like 50 more movies. Is this going to be like a Michael Myers thing where “Just kidding! Godzilla was still alive the whole time!” ?

Also, what about all of the other fish? Isn’t a lot of the Japanese industry based on fishing? I feel bad for the fish is all I’m saying.

It’s weird to think about this movie in terms of what it was when it was first released. The concept of a giant monster is so overplayed and cliche by this point that I don’t even blink when some slimy thing knocks the head off of the Statue of Liberty anymore– but this movie– this was the first time this had ever happened on this large a scale.

The concept of a giant monster attacking a city was so new and, for the time, the special effects are revolutionary and, if I may wax traditionalist for a moment, it’s amazing to see what they did without any CGI. *Pushes up glasses* Technically, The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms is recognized as the first “giant monster” movie (and here I tip my hat and give it it’s due), but I think the honor of “best execution” goes to Godzilla.

Everything is done by hand. Every model, every smash, every crowd scene– it’s all real. Sure, the buildings are closer to two feet than two stories, but someone built that. Someone believed in this movie and this project so much that they spent countless hours crafting a tiny version of Tokyo for some asshole in a rubber suit to smash. Hundreds of people showed up to be in the crowd scenes and on and on and on. To me, that’s the coolest part about this movie. Yes, the plot is old-fashioned and the acting is wooden, but what interests me the most is this movie in a historical context– imagining myself in 1954, watching this for the first time– what must that have been like? What was it like to see something never seen before?

I’ve seen my fair share of monster movies, but I feel like this one deserves a nod. Yes, there are other monster movies from the 1950’s, and I love them– Tarantula, Them!, It Came From Beneath The Sea– the movies this “giant monster craze” inspired are the movies I grew up on– but Godzilla lasted. I haven’t seen them yet, but it’s 2012 and they’re still making Godzilla movies. That, to me, is incredible.

My rating?